using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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