I showed him my bush... on skype.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
