I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
