On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
There's even glitter on my cock...
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