That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
