it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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