Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
