she woke up with a sticky ear
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
