I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Boobs are out for the taking
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
