I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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