I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
