weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize
