I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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