I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
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