i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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