Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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