I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
