He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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