just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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