You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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