I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
