the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
