That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
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i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
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I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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