I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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