Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
