booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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