I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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