a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize