Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
