True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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