I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
We don't watch enough power rangers
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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