I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
