i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
