you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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