Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
