I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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