Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
