this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
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I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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