You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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