At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
