i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
