I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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