i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
