Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
