woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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