My Higher Power is John Stamos
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
