I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
