I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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