You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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