My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
