She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Randomize
