he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Randomize
