This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
