:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
whose parrot is this?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
